Christmas Greetings

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and I am sitting reflecting on the past year as well as past Christmases. I have always done that at this time of year. I have to admit for the past several years it hasn’t always been a happy time for me, in fact it has been quite the opposite.

As any of my regular readers know, I have divorced since 2001. My wife came home on our 23rd anniversary and told me she was seeing somebody else and wanted a divorce. Fast and quick it was and quite unexpected. It’s funny, especially looking back at it now, I was surprised but not devastated by it. I never expected it, yet I didn’t cry, I didn’t go out and get drunk, I just packed my stuff and moved here to the little house on the lake. It did hit me however, maybe a few months late, in fact I think it was around September 11th.

And then there was the first Christmas alone. That was difficult for me. I think that is when it hit me that I could very well be alone for the rest of my life. But by the second Christmas I had resigned myself to that fact. (Now when Tonya reads this I know what she is going to say so I will say this to her now, just keep reading please). And you know it was hard but I decided I could deal with it. I learned to cook, I learned to clean, I learned to do laundry, I survived. I was 45 years old and this was the first time I had ever been living alone. I was married the week after I graduated from college so I had always lived at home and then with my ex. It wasn’t so bad except for the holidays. They tended to be hard, but then my wife had left me for someone else and I figured she obviously didn’t want me and wasn’t happy with me so I would move on.

And move on I did. There were girlfriends, some just one night stands, some a little longer, there was even one who lived here for two years, but I was never happy. And if course there was my old friend the bottle. When you are buzzed lif can be a little easier to stomach, well until you sober up then it is the same thing as it was. And last Christmas as I sat here alone I figured it was how it was going to be. I stopped looking for someone to fill the void, which I think is what I was doing. I decided that if I were meant to be with someone it would happen and if I were meant to be alone that would also happen. Was it easy for me? Nope. I had problems, I came close to losing the house and I didn’t even care. I figured what the hell, it was just a cage anyway, a place full of old worn out memories and long forgotten dreams.

Then something happened, someone came into my life and changed it forever. I let down the walls and let someone in. And when I met her I never once looked at her like she was “the one”. I looked at her as a friend. She was in a bad situation, and yes I admit I wanted to “rescue” her, but not because of any other reason than I wanted to help her. I could see a wonderful, caring woman trapped inside who just needed a friend, someone who cared about her for her, not for how much money she could make, someone who could drive the kids and all their friends around, someone who could cook and clean, someone who just wanted to be loved for her. After we talked and I understood that she needed out, and I had a room and could use someone to help me pay the mortgage, she moved here.

I knew I would like her a lot but I never figured I would fall in love with her. And fall I did. I never knew what love could be until I met her. She walked in the door and I knew (as she will tell you she knew also) that she was home, that she belonged here.

So what is the point of all this? This Christmas Eve as I reflect on my life over the past year, I have had some ups and downs, I have had some hard times and still am. We are just hanging on to the little house here on the lake. Tonya has had some back issues and has not gotten a lot of work. She has had some other issues as well, but we have gotten through them. But with all the hard times we have seen and been through there is one difference, now I have a reason to go on. I have a reason to work seven days a week, I have a reason to keep this little house on the lake. I now have someone in my life whom I want to make more memories in this little house on the lake. And I now have new dreams. Sometimes I don’t think Tonya understands this, I don’t think she knows what she has given me, but I know. I know what I was then and what I am now. I have been given the best Christmas gift I could ever get and that is the gift of hope and life. Kind of like the gift that was given to the world on this very night.

Merry Christmas.
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One Response to this post

  1. Big Mark 243 on December 24, 2008 at 7:07 PM

    It is just so cool that you have found your partner! Since I have been reading you, I have really, really been pulling for you to find someone and keep that house ... whatever brought you the most, I wanted it for you.

    That you are hanging in the house, with someone you love, is wonderful news. I am sorta considering that my X-mas may be spent alone, but I don't feel lonely ... and there are other things to fill that space in my life. For me, it won't be a 'loss' as it will be the next step in my journey.

    Still ... a partner would be nice.

    I want to say that I understand how you felt, feel and would not mind finding out how you feel. I never thought you were meant to be alone, writing about the stuff you see behind your dirty windshield. I figured if you were writing sincerely, then I could comment honestly, and if you weren't, no loss.

    Yet I have thought that you were. And because I think we sail on the same seas, if not the same ship, that I wanted you to come thru to see what is on the other side of the storm.

    Have a happy, happy X-mas and New Year's season, the both of you!

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