Confessions

So, I have a confession to make, actually two confessions, both concerning this journal. The first is that I have said in the past that I do not write this journal with anyone in mind. This is not true, sometimes I write it to myself, sometimes I write it to people I know and sometimes I write it to people I don’t know.

The second confession I have to make regarding this journal is that sometimes, not always but sometimes, there are morals or meanings in what I write. A recent example is when I wrote the “Thinking about Drinking” entry (ok, another quick confession, all my entries are recent because I haven’t had the time or inclination to transfer my old entries from AOL to Blogger). There was a message in there, maybe more than one. And the one about the leaves, there was a message there, and that one was meant for me. It was about dropping leaves and getting new ones in the spring. Too bad I am like that old oak tree in the yard though.

So I was wondering today if when people read these entries, do they get a message from them? Do they get the message I am trying to convey. I used to think what it must be like to be on the radio, and always wondering if anyone was actually listening to you or not. Kind of what I think when I write here, although as I have said in past entries, it doesn’t really matter to me if anyone actually reads these or not, I enjoy writing them and really that is all that matters. But as I just said, maybe when I write them for me, to me, I need to listen to what I write.

It is hard for me to change, my ways of thinking, my habits, my attitudes on certain things. I have come along way in the last six months, really the last seven years, but especially the last six months, but I still have a ways to go. There are things I need to deal with in my life, things that I have to get past. I can’t make everyone see things my way, I need to see things other peoples way, I need to be more understanding, and as I said for the most part I am, but there are still some things that I can’t get over. I need to suck it up and move past.

I am sitting here in the little house by the lake, in my den, with the woodstove crackling and the dog at my feet. My woman is on her way home and I can’t wait for her to get here. Ok, I have another confession to make, I still can’t believe how happy I am to see her every day. I have never felt like this with anyone at any time in my life, even with my ex-wife when we were dating all those years ago. It was never like this. My heart still skips a beat when I see her walk in the door, it doesn’t matter what kind of day I have had, it doesn’t matter what has happened during the day. It still surprises me that I do feel like this, it is a great feeling and I do believe it will be like this every day until the end of our time together. I have to admit it was definitely a bonus when she came here and how she fell in love with this little house on the lake. I guess I knew she would, but she really appreciates this stupid little house for what it is. She understands the love that was here, and has been missing but is now back. And for that I consider myself to be the luckiest man alive. To have a woman who loves me and who appreciates this place as I do, well it don’t get no better than this.

I suppose I am rambling some, but then it won’t be the first time I have done that on this screen, and it probably won’t be the last. I remember when I used to drink a lot, maybe 20 years ago or so, more like 25, I used to lie about how much I drank, always justifying to myself that I wasn’t drinking a lot, or that it didn’t affect me. Oh, what a fool. I sit here and think of the money I pissed away on alcohol and if I had that now, I would not be in the mess I am. But alas dear reader, we can not go back and thinking of what should have been done does not help the future. I never thought people knew how much I drank, how bad I was, but then I was a fool. I suppose that is the lot of the drunkard, the addict, the thief or any other person how does something they probably shouldn’t, to justify in your mind that what you are doing is really okay. I did it for years. Justified my drinking in my own mind, always had a reason, and always figured no one would know. I remember the Christmas I was so drunk I don’t remember how I got home, but the next morning the pick up was on the front lawn about six inches form the phone pole. My wife and son, who was just under one, weren’t home, they had gone to the in-laws, I never showed. Funny I remember that. I also remember something else about that Christmas eve but I am not confessing that mush today. Then there were the missed meals, the broken promises, all the things I missed, although I never thought I missed anything. I was under a lot of pressure, I had lots on my mind. Yup, that was it, that was the ticket.

Sometimes I look at my kids and I wonder if this is why they are like they are, why they have the problems they do. I wonder how my life and theirs may have been different. I do know one thing though, if I hadn’t done the things I did, I may not be here, in this little house on the lake with the most wonderful woman in the world. She and I often will talk about what would have happened if we had met 25 years ago, 30 years ago, if there would be the same feelings there. I tell her that we weren’t ready then, God wasn’t ready for us to meet then. We had to go through all the shit first, get it all out of the may (well most of it anyway) and now He and therefore we are ready for each other.

Well I am sorry this is so long, guess I just needed to get some things off my chest. And what better place than this to do it.
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One Response to this post

  1. Big Mark 243 on October 29, 2008 at 11:47 AM

    Somewhere I stumbled upon an advice regarding writing. 'Whatever is written is meant to be read.' That is why my journal is public. Someone is going to read it eventually, because that is it's destiny.

    Uh, for someone who claims to think abstractedly, I am not always good at picking up things. Most of that I put to the human conceit of seeing things in terms they understand first, and from someone else's POV later. Not second, but later, after they have went thru how 'they' would see things and exhausted all of their angles of perspective.

    The difficulty of change ... first is to be expected. I think of change being the turning of a battleship around. You will be doing that for quite awhile and have to go aways to do it. BUT it get done all the time, and you know what, the people in charge of getting it done, believe that it is going to happen. That is how I stay positive about changing myself, because in order for it to happen, you got to BELIEVE it is going to happen, and that belief is sincere.

    When I was losing weight specifically, I knew that I had to take the 1lbs week, as well as the weeks of heavy week with little loss, along with the agony of a weight gain. Keep on with the program, believe in the program, and continue on. You know it can happen. Make it.

    The kids ... I can feel it, if not identify with it. If you can say you made the best decisions based on the time, go with that. You have to think that they are dealing with their issues as good as they can, with the good things you taught them running their show, and the less than good thing, being less than a part of them.

    Glad you came to the concluding paragraph of everything being what it took to get you where you are today. Be sooooo very thankful and happy for that, and keep that going!

    I am happy for the both of you!

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