It's 10:30 at night and here I sit. Earlier I was thinking about what I was doing one year ago tonight. I know somewhere I have the blog entry I wrote that night but I don't feel like looking for it right now. I was waiting for someone who I had never met in person to arrive here from North Carolina. I didn't know what was going to happen. I knew i was going to like her, I already had fallen in love with her, but I didn't know just how deeply I was going to fall.
I remember when she walked in the door I felt so much like she belonged here, that finally there was someone in my life who I could spend the rest of it with and finally truly be happy. I felt that she felt the same way.
Now I guess I have to wonder. Oh I know what I feel, I haven't changed, but I wonder how she feels. Things have changed.
You know its funny. It's like I have been down this road before. I remember when I was married, and as any long term follower of this journal can attest, I wasn't the best husband. I made some mistakes and I vowed that is anyone ever came back into my life and I fell in love that I would not make the same mistakes again. But I do remember how it all started, my problems, my mistakes. An email here, a chat room there. Trying different things, new things, just to see, just to explore. And before long I was lost. I had travelled down roads I shouldn't have. and once I did, there was no turning back. No, these things alone weren't the total cause of my marital problems, but they started because I wasn't happy and I needed an out. It's funny how it all starts so innocently and it grows until it consumes you. The virtual world turns into the real world. Before you know it you are out of one and into the other.
So where did I go wrong this time? Why would someone I love more than anything in the world need to find a diversion? Perhaps I love her too much? I didn't think that was possible but maybe you can. Maybe you can push someone away because you love them too much. Maybe they need more than you can give them. Maybe they grow tired of you, who knows maybe some people don't need love.
So where do I go from here? Who knows, I sure don't. It is too bad that she doesn't know what I was like before. Oh, she has an idea but she wasn't here. She didn't see the pain I was in, the misery. She could go back and read this journal, she knows where the back entries are, but even those don't truly show what my life was like. I guess no matter what I will always have the love for her in me. That won't change, maybe things will just be different somehow.
I think I have disabled the comments on this journal. I don't write this journal for the comments I receive, although they are appreciated, but I just don't want any now. There is nothing anyone can tell me, nothing anyone can say. I will put my faith in God. It's funny how over the past year I have done that alot. He has got me through some pretty tough times and I believe he will again. Maybe He is all I have now, I don't really know.
What a difference a year makes.
