Thinking About Drinking

I’ve been thinking about drinking today. No, not about starting to drink, but about why I drank. I have written in the past about my reasons for drinking and whether or not I could be considered an alcoholic or not, so I won’t go over that list again, but what I will talk about is what has changed in my life and why I haven’t “had” to drink.

One of the main reasons I used to drink was because I never had anyone to talk to, to discuss my problems with. I was lonely as well as alone. If I had a bad day, I had no one to turn to, no one to come home too. So, I turned to something else, I turned to drinking. A bottle was my counsel, my confidant, my friend. Even though I knew drinking wasn’t fixing anything, I did it anyway, I suppose it helped at least temporarily. I never used anything else as a crutch, no drugs, no cigarettes, no overeating, just drinking.

Now, I don’t need that crutch. This is what I was thinking of today as I drove around in my truck, looking out the dirty windshield at the leaves. I have a wonderful woman in my life whom I can talk to, who I can share things with, who I can hold when I need to. Even on the days when one or both of us isn’t feeling all that well, she is there for me, sometimes just to hold, always here for me to come home to. I still have problems, I still have financial difficulties, but now I have someone in my life who makes it all worthwhile, who gives me a reason to go on, to keep plugging away.

Is she my crutch? Maybe, although I don’t look at her like a crutch at all, I look at her as my reason. My reason to live, to go on. I hope (ok, I know) that she feels the same way about me, that she no longer needs a crutch either.

So now I don’t need to drink, I can think about drinking, but it’s just thinking.